he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Randomize
