Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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