I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize