You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
