i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Randomize
