I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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