When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Randomize
