I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
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