I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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