What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
and you fell through a lawn chair
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
