@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Randomize
