Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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