I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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