Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
