I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
