the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
