my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
