I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
