oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Randomize
