WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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