Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
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