Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
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That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
me + whiskey = a bad person
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
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bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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