if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
