Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
