Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
