do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
