I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
