I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
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