Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Randomize
