dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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