Texts From Last Night

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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys

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  (919): please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys http://tfl.nu/inic
  Replies (21) Good night (1014) Bad night (4779)
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  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete

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  (484): maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete http://tfl.nu/m91r
  Replies (10) Good night (3916) Bad night (871)
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..

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  (814): that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before.. http://tfl.nu/lsu6
  Replies (5) Good night (1133) Bad night (2048)
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  (501): View more from Arkansas

  I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.

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  (501): I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to. http://tfl.nu/jfhh
  Replies (10) Good night (1154) Bad night (3342)
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  (502): View more from Kentucky

  Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead

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  (502): Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead http://tfl.nu/4b2b
  Replies (18) Good night (5433) Bad night (1260)
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.

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  (248): Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students. http://tfl.nu/08kn
  Replies (50) Good night (998) Bad night (4694)
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.

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  (908): Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea. http://tfl.nu/8iqm
  Replies (2) Good night (703) Bad night (996)
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  (512): View more from Texas

  There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.

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  (512): There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it. http://tfl.nu/1bu2
  Replies (12) Good night (1625) Bad night (635)
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"

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  (703): After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken" http://tfl.nu/pqky
  Replies (7) Good night (864) Bad night (1125)
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.

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  (503): Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her. http://tfl.nu/s4rs
  Replies (0) Good night (825) Bad night (421)
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  (947): View more from Michigan

  Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?

  (1-947): View more from Michigan

  I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.

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  (947): Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters? (1-947): I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out. http://tfl.nu/mrny
  Replies (3) Good night (882) Bad night (330)
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  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations

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  (413): Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations http://tfl.nu/s70c
  Replies (2) Good night (339) Bad night (570)
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's

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  (614): Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's http://tfl.nu/o9z1
  Replies (1) Good night (337) Bad night (537)
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  (417): View more from Missouri

  So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?

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  (417): So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty? http://tfl.nu/l95a
  Replies (3) Good night (748) Bad night (292)
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  (514): View more from Quebec

  If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right

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  (514): If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right http://tfl.nu/t6fg
  Replies (0) Good night (256) Bad night (178)

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