Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
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I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
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Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease