just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
in my opinion joe jonas is kinda pointless. hes just the pretty boy front runner.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
