my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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