No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
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Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
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