sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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