my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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