she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
