That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
I think i got beer on your cat.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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