I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
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