He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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