I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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