The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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