So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
