She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
she looked like the before picture.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize