Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Randomize