I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Bring me that man meat
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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