I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Randomize
