Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
