My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
