My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Randomize
