if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
