I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Just invented taco cereal.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Randomize
