Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
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