wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
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I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
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I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
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