apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
