I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
