you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
