remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Blood and glitter go together right?
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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