***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
God, I missed his penis.
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