my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize