Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
